Hi Liz,
I emailed you last week and realized I actually do want to ask your advice about something.
I have this friend, Cass. Cass and I have been friends for about 2 years. She used to date my roommate and they went through a bad, prolonged break up last winter. I stayed friends with both and played diplomat. They would ask me about each other all the time. Cass would pump me for information about her ex and I would tell her, with the promise that she would not repeat the information to him as it would be obvious who it had come from. She betrayed this promise multiple times, sometimes barely waiting 10 minutes before emailing the ex. It made me look terrible, for multiple reasons. I guess I felt like I should tell her because she was involving me in a conspiracy with her, the basis of a so called friendship I suppose.
Both my fiancé and my roommate warned me that Cass was just using me to get info about him and that she would probably distance herself when she met another man. I expressed these fears to her and she told me that was ridiculous. She was very supportive when my best friend Sara dumped me, and even bought me a cute card, promised we’d be friends for a long time, and that she would never treat me the way Sara had done.
I was worried that she might disappear once she found a boyfriend. I expressed those fears to her, as well, and she again told me not to be silly.
But I’m beginning to fear that the boys were right. Over the past few months her texts have become less frequent, but I chose not to think anything of it. There was also some inconsiderate behaviour that I didn’t like, but, again, I let it slide. And, of course, right on cue, the timeline of her new boyfriend has coincided with the new infrequency of her messages and interest in the friendship.
Three weeks ago she told me something sensitive about her new boyfriend and asked me not to repeat it. I told my fiancé because I tell him everything, but maybe I shouldn’t have. A little after this she asked me to do her a favour which involved shelling out some of my own money with the expectation she would pay me back.
A week later she came to my apartment and my fiancé and her ex (my roommate) were there. My roommate blurted out this sensitive thing and Cass got annoyed with me. It seems my fiancé had gone and told him and, roommate being a blabber mouth, saw no reason not to repeat it. Cass was angry and said she’d “never tell me anything again” (I’m not sure it’s reasonable for her to expect me to keep things from my spouse but I could be wrong) I did my best to reassure her and apologized multiple times before we went out together.
There were some major red flags that evening. We went to a dance club that cost 20 dollars to get into. She had got in for free, being friends with the bartender, and expected me to pay. She knows I don’t make a lot of money and showed no regard for that fact, nor did she offer to help supplement the cost. She then proceeded to ignore me the rest of the night and I left in tears. There were a few other thing a she did that evening along the same lines.
The following day I sent her a message saying that she had blabbed things I had told her about her ex, back to the ex several times after I had asked her not to, and therefore my telling of the “sensitive boyfriend info” was moot, and we were even. She didn’t respond.
Im not sure if she’s angry with me about that or what. I’ve sent several more texts asking for my money back and she didn’t respond to those either. I’m angry at her total lack of consideration for me and feel like I may as well be some sort of mannequin when we go out for all the meaning my presence seems to hold for her.
It’s very difficult for me to tell people how I feel about their behaviour and I have not told her I’m upset. I feel like, at this point, her priorities are to party and make bad life decisions. I’m willing to let people do as they will, but not to my own detriment.
What I’m asking is, what should I do here? Should I message her again and tell her she’s being a jerk in expecting financial favours and then skiving on repayment? Should I tell her that I find her behaviour toward me abhorrent? Or should I just leave it and see if she contacts me?
I’m not really necessarily willing to try to save the friendship because it’s become clear to me that Cass is a very selfish person whose life goals are far and away from mine. We’re both 27 and I’m at the point where going to bars and binge drinking isn’t really a thing I feel like engaging in, with any frequency, anymore. I’m growing up, and she is not. She doesn’t seem interested in doing anything else, and every time we go out it’s something she wants to do (namely going to dance to techno DJs I don’t care about, and staying out till 6am) what I want is an acknowledgment from her that she has acted badly, and I want my money back.
Sorry for the length. My close friends are men and, when I ask them about this, it becomes clear men know nothing about women’s friendships.
Lexie
Hi Lexie,
I hope I can help you here. I read and re read your letter, hoping I might come up with a different response, but I keep coming back to the same place. There is a common theme here in someones behavior, that I think you might be missing. And that someone is you. Do you notice that in each incident gone bad with your friend in your story below– that your actions are the same? Lexie— girlfreind, any friend, rule number one is TRUST. And in two major places you break that with this girl, and with your roommate. If you’re going to listen to two sides of a break up, you simply cannot rat one side out. Telling your friend what the roomate told you in confidence, and expecting her not to share it with him was not only unwise, it was uncool of you.
Then, honestly Lexie your friend shares a personal private sensitive piece of information about her new bf and you tell your fiance? And clearly don’t make it clear to him how critical it is that he never mention it? And he tells a friend? The bluritng out of that information in front of your girlfriend is horrible and thoughtless behavior. The friend in this letter who needs some adjusting and self searching unfortunately is you.
Please understand that being a trustworthy person is one of the most valuable gifts we can give the people in our lives. Without it, we have nothing.
Good luck
Liz
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