July Story Of The Month

Friends and ex’s

First, I just have to thank you for writing your book What Did I Do Wrong. I discovered it in Barnes & Noble one day, when I was actually looking for help with a friendship. I’m a huge ‘need an answer/closure/explanation’ person and reading your book helped me with more than just that one friendship I was originally trying to make sense of. And, there’s always a comfort in knowing a person isn’t alone when it comes to losing people – your book and the recapped stories in it helped me to see that friendships come and go, for various reasons, in everyone’s lives. It also made me really stop and think about the type of friend I want to be to others and helped me to examine my past and present friendships as well as how I’ve handled things regarding them.

The friendship I was actually looking for assistance with when I came across your book has been a fairly troubling one for me. Lexie and I have been on-and-off friends for over four years now. A little over a year and a half of those four years we didn’t talk at all – all due to a dating situation which occurred. She started dating an ex of mine, right after we had broken up. Actually, they were talking before we separated and were having what I’d call an emotional affair. I was extremely hurt by this because I felt as though it broke a huge trust in our friendship. I talked to Lexie about this person and poured my heart out, only to find them together less than a week after we broke things off. To add to it all, they thought I was being immature for not wanting to speak with either of them. A year and a half past and I contacted Lexie again. I had heard that she and Tom had broke up and I decided I just wanted to say hello. We met for dinner – she asked – and she apologized for all that happened, how she acted, and said that the worst part of it all was that she knew she had hurt me, and that she also knew that I would never have done that to her. I accepted the apology, thinking that everyone makes mistakes, and gradually worked on a friendship with her again. I was cautious in what I would talk to her about, still needing to re-establish the trust that had been broken. We had become good friends again and I listened while she went through two tough break-ups during that time. I had started seeing someone and for the first time in a while, had started smiling again. Unfortunately, after a few months I realized this new romance just wasn’t a good fit for me. We were too opposite and there were just some core things that weren’t going to change in either of us, so I broke things off. Three days later Lexie asked if it would be ok if she were to ask Ken out. Honestly, I wasn’t surprised at all. I felt it was only a matter of time before she’d ask me if it would be ok – not that asking me if it’s ok really makes it ok. I gave her my ‘blessing’ and even went so far as to write her a letter saying so, and that they should just go for it.

It would have been very selfish of me to say ‘no, don’t do it’. Lexie is a very insecure person when it comes to trust in a relationship and Ken will be able to give her that security she needs. Lexie had also said that my friendship was more important and that if I didn’t want her to pursue this, she wouldn’t. To me, just the mere thought was already a huge breech in our friendship; especially since this wasn’t the first time this happened with us. In wishing her well to pursue this, I knew it would be the end of our friendship and that I would just pull away and fade off. She obviously hasn’t noticed because I haven’t heard from her. I’m not mad at her for what happened; I think I’m kind of disappointed. But, I’ve also come to the conclusion that I want and need to have friends that I know I can trust 100%, friends who have similar values and ways of thinking when it comes to friendship. Lexie isn’t going to change and I have to either accept that or move on. I’m tired of validating her point of view and what she thinks is fine as long as it’s working in her favor. She’s not a bad person, she’s just not the kind of person I want to have in my life; which is a shame because some aspects of our friendship I truly will miss. I’m far from perfect, but I strongly support two theories: treat others as you would want to be treated and learn from the past. I think this is one friendship that I’m safe to let go of. What do you think? Isn’t there/shouldn’t there be some sort of moral code between friends when it comes to dating ex’s, and just with friendship as a whole?


Liz’s recap-

Well I was anxious to get this story up and on here, because I have recently received so many stories involving ex’s.

Funny thing is, while researching to write the book, I was focused on friendships that had ended, with reasons unknown. I suppose when your friend stops being your friend after you decide to date or sleep with her ex, there is no real mystery there. If someone said why don’t you see Mary any more, the answer could be, she decided to date my old boyfriend, and a general knowing nod might happen and that’s it- There is no question there is no guessing. However, this obviously happens more than even I imagined. I have received hundreds of e mails from women describing the hurt and betrayal they feel when their friend decides to choose a relationship with their ex, over them. The woman above who so candidly shares her heart here, asks, shouldn’t there be a moral code between friends—-my mind went to straight to—-there is Isn’t there? I mean its not written or spoken but most women seem to agree when this line is crossed and this choice is made, few friendships end up lasting in the same connected trust filled way- The code was broken here, and the consequence is that the woman above no longer wants to be friends with her friend. I think she did exactly what makes sense in her story, in fact I think she was more forgiving than most, and in the end she stayed true to herself and what works for her life.

i cannot thank you enough for writing this book. the “friendship of my life” ended a year ago exactly. shauna and i met at a playgroup eight years ago, when our daughters were 1 1/2 and 2 1/2 years old. though i am from the deep south and she is from boston, we were instant friends - and our daughters became immediate best friends as well. flash forward seven years to last spring. By this time, our families had become completely enmeshed. i’d flown to boston with her three hours after she’d called to tell me her mother was dying. she’d been beside my hospital bed the night i got in a bad car crash. our daughters were inseparable and even looked like sisters. we’d have passover at her house and easter at mine. our families went to the beach together. one christmas she gave me a photo of the two of us together in a “best friend” frame. i’ll never forget the hours we spent, the four of us parents laughing and playing boggle around the table after a long dinner while the children jumped on the trampoline. shauna was as close to me as my own sister. there was nothing we wouldn’t tell each other. the year before the breakup had been an intense one for me. my husband and i decided to adopt a chinese toddler, so i was quite involved with the paperwork, then the travel to china, then the bonding with my new baby. through all of this, I felt that my relationship with sandra was secure, even though we did not communicate daily as we once had. yet we still saw each other, just the two of us at times (the night i called her to say, “get dressed right now! i just won tickets on the radio to see norah jones in concert!”) and our whole families together at other times. in fact, we had all been together the night we got the call to go to china to get marisa. all relationships have a natural ebb and flow, and inspite of some odd comments from shauna, i felt that we were as good as ever. now i know that wasn’t true.

i may never know why my friendship with shauna fell apart, in spite of the many emails we exchanged a year ago when shewas trying to quietly ease out of the relationship. unlike many of the women in your book, i was not willing to let this woman (this family!) i loved go without a fight. after sending a tentative email to ask if something was wrong and receiving a vague, unsatisfying reply, I sent apologies, questions, angry diatribes. i offered to go to therapy to figure out how to be a better friend to her. i dropped an orchid off on her doorstep when she wasn’t home. when none of my actions received the sort of response i wanted, in a blind rage one afternoon, i sent all of our “breakup” correspondance to our close circle of female email friends. i wanted justice! i wanted a jury of my peers to find out the truth and tell shauna she was wrong, to tell her she was wrong to end our friendship without trying to work things out. of course, they all claimed they were not going to read the emails but (like the good friends they are) did not castigate me for having committed such a dishonorable act. The weeks passed and i continued to try to resurrect the friendship or to at least reach some closure. what i did not realize until i read your book is that shauna had decided, possibly long before, that the relationship was done. if fact, “done” is a word she used in one of her emails to me. when i persisted, she eventually weaseled out by saying that she did not know what would happen but that she needed time away from me to figure it out. she promised not to keep our girls (best friends of seven years) apart, but she has. for the first six months after she dumped me, i continued to keep the girls in contact, and shauna did allow them to see each other several times. for the most part, i tried to be cordial but distant. but apparently, shauna is now not comfortable even being my acquaintance. she is now ignoring all emails and phone messages from me (which have been few and far between) attempting to get the girls together. throughout the past year, my feelings for shauna have swung wildly from love to hate to both at once. and now my feelings for her have cooled to a sort of sad fondness. i will always think of her as a wonderful and special person. i’ll be glad for what we shared. but i may never allow myself to fall as deeply in friendship with anyone ever again. liz, thank you for your book. knowing that other women have had similar experiences has helped me in my journey. this past year, i have tried to talk to my women friends and acquaintances about what happened to me and i’ve always met with near silence.

thanks for breaking that silence. you are doing us all a great service. wishing you all the best,
jane in louisiana
April’s story comes from “Jill from no where” unedited-
i was in book star on verdango boulevard after dinner last night and found myself picking up your book. at first i was attracted to the pop art kitschy cover and then, upon realizing what it was about, peeked tentatively inside, reluctant to get involved (fearing a self-help lecture about to come on) only to find myself sitting there for almost an hour until i was close to being done. and close to tears.

after my husband forced me to “buy the damn thing!” and get into the car i realized the reason i had been so instantaneously absorbed and so profoundly affected was because the stories you’ve detailed and catalogued so closely echo my own. It was with a deep resonant sadness that i realized i had left behind a trail of old “best” friends, a stomach sinking legacy of “unendings” and that i realized all new friendships i enter into as a grown woman have a subconscious gnawing anticipation of the sure enough end in sight.

as i tried to work it through out loud in the drive back home to our children my I-don’t-quite-understand husband listened patiently as i recalled the last fifteen years since i’d moved to los angeles and the steady trail of long gone women friends that had fallen behind me: Mara, Carol, Meg, Myra, Maureen, Susie, Donna, Nanette, Angel, Alex, Bea, Helen…

Either I had been dumped or, to my horror and shame, they had been. I tried to soften the sound of my words by attempting to justify these failings (for what else could they be) with the reasons behind the falling-outs, the breaking-ups but realized quickly that only a few of my experiences had there been any momentous event, any recognizable ending. the others had simply died a quiet death.

i suddenly felt like a serial killer. my husband, hearing this comment, thinking with probable great relief that i had been joking all along and wasn’t going to spoil datenight with talk about lost girlfriends, piped up ” and let’s mourn jenny’’s death in advance in order to save time later…” jenny, my new “best friend”. inseparable for the last three years. i started to wonder with a sense of hopeless dread whether this was just something i do, or something that just happens to me. was jenny just my confidant, my sister, my best friend because it is convenient at this moment for the both of us? time would tell. we were sending our children to different schools next year (they had, all five, moved up the ranks of pre-school together). would this be the catalyst for a slow petering out of attentions or a sudden disappearance?

I can’t help thinking about my mother in australia, surrounded by hery this syndrome? is it a sign of the times? our generation’s busy-ness? our lack of attention? our fast-food society? our frequent (comparative to our normal growing rate?

it seems like an epidemic and yet, for something that seems so serious, current friends for fear that it will cause discomfort, a shying away from you.

i realize, after reading your book, that it has been happening to me all my life. as far back as i can recall. school, when a group of friends forced me, out of some shame at being seen alone after they dumped me, into eating my lunches and spending my breaks locked in a toilet stall - to my teenage years where i went, like a serial dater, from one great friend to the next - carrying through with a pattern that has followed me into adulthood. She lives nearby, she’s my best friend…she works with me, she’s my best friend…her husband’s on my husband’s basketball team, she’s my best friend…

And so on and so forth.

i make friends easily, i’m always surrounded by people, parties, dinners, a gaggle of children from various families, weekends away with friends. do friend who likes me for who i am after the gilt of a new fresh association finally wears off?

i’m left wondering sadly, if i’m to play this out until the end? at what point will i be too old and too tired to continue trying? will i die an old woman with no close girlfriends? it seems too awful and too possible.

The End

I want to thank Jill for her candid and poignant self-reflection. I felt when I read this, for a moment, much like I did several years ago when this whole journey began. And then I wrote to tell Jill, that as much as I know… many of us know those feelings she talks about… the unsteady fearful reality of looking into the future at ourselves and our friendships. I also know, there exists in each of us, a hope, or really a knowledge, that true friendship can be complete, where faults are embraced right along with
whatever the greatness that makes us who we are. We simply have to trust that we deserve it, and all of us deserve it.

Thank you Jill for the small reminder, to pay attention to that slice of hope and knowledge that lives in all of us.

March’s story comes unedited from Natalie in New York City -

My very close friend of about 10 years dumped me this fall. She didn’t return phone calls, seemed distant, out of reach and disinterested in what was happening in my life. I of course took all this snubbing very personally and attributed this change in behavior to my own short comings. I wasn’t as fun to be with, too serious, focused on my kids and my life. I was genuinely sad about the loss of this friendship, but had abandoned efforts to reconnect since she seemed so unresponsive.

Flash forward to last week where she called me up and asked me to lunch. Of course I said yes, but was utterly surprised when she started lunch in tears saying how sorry she was for being distant, but she had just asked her husband for a divorce.

I was stunned and completely unprepared for her news. I realized however through her heartfelt words, that true friends are not mercurial and that we never know what is going on in someone’s life. That we should think it is always us that is the issue and that we are the first to point fingers inward, is human nature, but so often not what is really going on. My friend’s shattered marriage forced her to pull away from all of her close friends and now she needs us more than ever and we are there for her.

The End

I chose Natalie’s story this month because I think it’s so - on the money. Many of us can relate to the experience of pointing the blame straight at ourselves without a second thought, when often it has nothing to do with us. Judging ourselves quickly and harshly seems to come easily to many of us…although conversely we seem to pay the most attention to curbing our judgment of others, I welcome the reminder to ease up on ourselves.

And of course, I’m always inspired when I read or hear a story of two great friends making their way back into each other’s lives. Thank you and cheers to Natalie.