January 2008 our story of the month comes in unedited from LW in Arizona-

This is interesting. I have experienced of a huge shock that resulted in the loss of all of my local friends, my only support group, and my children's friends - all because of one dysfunctional woman. Two years ago, I moved to this small town along with thousands of others, during the real estate boom. I went to the library one day and noticed a flyer promoting a parenting group. I replied to it and found an immediate connection with the group's founder. We had so much in common. Both are transplants raised in the big city. Same age. Same number and gender of children. We were both quick witted and loved to debate. It was something that I had missed for many years. I joined her group and became a leader. We expanded it to over a dozen families and met weekly. I hosted events at my home almost monthly. It was wonderful for me. Probably the greatest blessing of all was that I was able to be myself with this person. I started to see cracks and effectively dismissed them. She was hilarious, but mean-spirited and liked to gossip. She was brilliant at behaving as though she liked someone, and then would insult them and tell me their private confessions when we were alone. I concluded only that we were therefore close, that I was trusted, and that it was her and I first, then everyone else. When we were together, it was so very entertaining and easy. We had some tensions as we both have strong personalities. Her way of dealing with them was to ignore me. I generally gave her the space that she wanted and things would calm to a point when we could discuss it. I always felt that we became stronger after such experiences. After a year passed and we had settled into a pattern of affirming one another regularly that we would always work out our problems and that not being friends was unacceptable, I slipped up. I made a comment on a community bulletin board referencing some awful behaviors that she had witnessed from a group of friends with whom she met with regularly to drink. Her allegations were severe. They were child abusers. They had their small children serving alcohol at the parties. They engage in fist fights in front of the kids. I didn't name anyone specifically in my post. The topic was to list things that you hated. She became very incensed. She accused me of betraying her. I was angry because she called these drunken child abusers her friends and had all but stopped doing things with me. And now she was worried about them not liking her? None of this was making sense. This woman was supposedly a former severely abused child and she didn't stand up to these people? She called them "friends". The oddest thing of all was that not a single person who supposedly was doing these heinous things, responded as though they had been revealed. If these abusers didn't respond to what I had written, did it really happen? I then noticed that throughout our friendship, women had come into the group, became close to this woman, and then all of a sudden fell from grace amidst a torrent of accusations. She would wonder aloud why she didn't "see" that this person was so dysfunctional. After all, she's a mental health professional. I began to question her honesty and her stability. I saw the first glimpse of what she had in store for me during that confrontation. She accused me of being a bad parent to bad children. In fact, she vilified my kids, who were only 6 and 8 and who loved her. She analyzed me as being in denial and wrote terrible things to me. I was shocked that she had been holding this in for so long. After all, we were supposed to be open and honest with each other! But I comforted myself with the belief that the relationship could be salvaged. I considered this a catharsis and that every friendship operates under a veil that covers the things that we dislike about each other - and that the veil had slipped. I put emotional distance between us until we could discuss things openly. Another woman came into the group and she and I began to enjoy one another. My friend told me how immature this woman was, how she lied and how annoying her company felt. In less than a few months, my friend's facade crumbled and she publicly humiliated this new support group member at a party. Not a single other person cared what was going on under their noses. I was disgusted. The woman left, crying, and I left with her. I couldn't be a part of this any longer. Then the stories came out because this new woman's trust had been shattered. The controls had slipped off. Apparently, while insulting this woman to me, my friend was divulging all manner of information, true and manufactured, about me and my family. My kids were animals. I was a slob, negligent, and I allowed my children to abuse one another. Her complaints went all the way back to our first meeting. I knew that these things had come from this friend because it was what she had said about so many others who had arrived for support, and been shunned, lied about and sent packing when she turned against them. It was a script. I was friends with a sociopath. A self-absorbed ego maniac who used people and then discarded them. . A mental health expert who had convinced herself of her own sanity. I forwarded to her e-mails of assurances of friendship and honesty that she had sent to me. I told her that people who are capable of writing such things and meaning them, don't behave as she did. She blamed me for believing lies. But this new woman had no way of knowing many of these things because they were private and had happened long before she arrived to the group. I contacted two of the women whom she had done this to previously and received a great deal of support and confirmation. They knew that I would figure it out eventually and they were waiting. Their stories were so similar to mine. I was shamed. I formally left the group because I seemed to be the only one who knew her for what she really was. Those who I thought were friends, who I had invited into my home and cooked and cared for, were never heard from again. She circulated rumors about me to anyone who would listen and claims that I have harassed her and that she had to get a restraining order against me. The amount of malice and cruelty in her is indescribable. And yet she is fully vindicated in her own mind. I have nearly healed in the six months since the fallout. I see her for what she is and pity her. Reflecting upon things that she told me about her life prior to moving to our town, I see that this is a pattern for her. I am but one in a wake of unmet expectations that trail behind her. She cannot seem to have healthy and peaceful relationships, despite the fact that she teaches people how to achieve them! I have committed to changing my behavior. I gossiped and I believed gossip. I ignored warning signs. I didn't protect myself by listening to my instincts. My husband and my mother had told me how she was but I defended her. Essentially, an event like this is my own doing. I publicly (in my blog) and privately apologized to those who had been through this before with her while I was around. I am confident that this was a life-changing experience for me and that I have seen things about myself that were ugly and that needed to be eliminated. I have been told by people that she was jealous of me. I was not initially convinced of that because she seemed to have so much more than I do. But in hindsight I see that for all of my imperfections, I have a clarity, an honesty with others, and an ability to stand up for myself that she lacks. And now I have growth. So she has been an amazing lesson for me that I will forever benefit from.
LW - Arizona.

The End

Liz's response:

LW- I need not even comment here, you have so beautifully nursed yourself through a horrific experience. What a powerful and sad story. Over and over again we go back and see the signs we chose to ignore. Cheers to you for you courage, patience and belief in yourself, and thank you thank you for allowing us such a wide view into this piece of your life and heart- Peace-

Cheers, Liz

MARCH STORY OF THE MONTH

I have as of today ended a friendship or at least I think it was I who ended it. Casi was my Best Friend for 6 years. I honestly thought that we would be friends for life. She and I could do nothing at all and still have a blast. Seasons changed and she filed for divorce from her husband. She started changing. She lost weight, she started dating guys that were "interesting" to say the least. She ended up living with the biggest dirt-bag for about 4 months. This after knowing him for less than 2 months. I was there for her when she tried to move him out the first time. I went to her house 40 miles away and helped her pack his stuff and drove it another 40 miles. I was there when she let him back in and through the other self destructive things she was going through. We had fights about him and she accused me of not wanting her to be happy and of jealousy. But when she finally kicked him out the last time I thought I had my friend back. I was wrong. Two weeks later she started dating yet another guy and less than a month after that he moved in. She started to not return my calls unless she needed to ask a favor. She said she was going to come over to take me out for my birthday and she didn't show. She never called, text, emailed or anything. She said they were both in the hospital with pneumonia but it wasn't convincing. I tried to tell her how hurt I was and that I felt that she was ignoring me cuz she was too busy with her new boyfriend. She again accused me of being miserable and jealous. She told me I wasn't a priority to her. There it was on my computer screen. "No, you are not a priority to me". "I have changed...I am not overweight, miserable or married anymore". Well not to be outdone I sent an email just as "sweet" back. I am a career woman, with horses, a husband, a child, horses, continuing education. Yet I always made her a priority. I informed her that would no longer be the case. Maybe I was jealous. But not of her or her new boyfriend. I was jealous of all the people who had that best friend to chat with when things went wrong or when they went so right. I think more than anything I tried so hard because she did change. I wouldn't let myself believe it then. Mostly because the new Casi was someone I didn't really like. I never saw the old Casi as miserable or overweight. All I saw was my friend. Apparently she never really saw me at all. Thanks for listening.

The End

DECEMBER STORY OF THE MONTH

December - "Kim"

I wrote a summary of my ended friendship shortly after its demise. I was of half a mind to just copy and paste it again, but I need to determine for myself how it writes now, after the space of 2 years has passed. I want to find I'm more clinical now, I want to be triumphantly over it. Its ending broke my heart then. I want to demonstrate to myself how much stronger I am now. I need to tell it again, from the perspective of time, as though I need to test myself for the pain--how successful have I been at stemming the pain. I feel weary at the prospect of telling it again. I remember I used to long for friendship as a child. I had one best friend in grammar school. She moved away, to the next state over, at the end of the 7th grade. I was the straight-A student whom few kids had a tolerance for. She was unaffected by that, and we did well until she left, and then the physical distance greatly dampened, watered down, the relationship, but didn't end it. I still had 2 sisters then, one, Glenda, was 10 years older than me, the other, Felicia, 9 years older than Glenda. I was the youngest. Glenda and I were close, as though the 10-year span were negligible, and we had a very good relationship. But of course she came to milestones well ahead of me, and so she moved out when I was 9. And so there comes a loneliness inherent in the age difference. Glenda would wind up dying--just going out and drowning--just after I turned 15. She was 25. The loneliness intensified. We had had a childhood full of material things, coupled with an alcoholic, verbally, emotionally and physically abusive father, and a mother enough in denial that his behavior was never curbed. There is an extreme loneliness borne of that. I never made another best friend through grammar school, or really any friends of any note. I finished grammar school 2 years early because I had been fortunate to have been promoted early twice, the thing that helped incur the wrath of the other kids in the first place. I went on through high school, through college, got married, had a child, but still, I longed for a close friend. I relegated my longing to something that just never was going to happen, when I became friends with a mom at my son's school. We hit it off right away, had every commonality. And with it an ease about being around each other that spoke to my soul. Funny, in many ways it's harder to write about now, than back then. The pain was so raw it demanded voice then, in chronological order no less. Now, it floods back in all at once, and calls me from one point I'm thinking of making, leading me to another. And another, until I don't know which point I'd rather touch on first, or next. They all seem necessary to be related at once now. And none of them seem necessary, both at the same time. Because it's futile now, and I more than know it. Back then--2 years?..."back then?", it seems like such a long time ago--it's only been 2 years--there was something in the retelling of it which just HAD to reunite us, I just knew it. I hold no such assertions now. I can't help but know better by now. "Back then" sounds like another good and useful way of asserting that I know better now. She and I were inseparable, had everything in common. We even had similar names. She had also experienced the same kind of childhood as I had. She understood what it was like to be mistreated by one's own parent. We connected on so many levels. We had a love for each other that was fun and also felt like a sisterhood of sorts. She understood my loss of Glenda, as much as she could, or so I thought. My remaining sister Felicia became ill, about 4 years into my friendship. A metastasis of breast cancer that had been in remission for 10 years. My friend tried to understand. I gained somewhat raveled, disjointed parts. Really nothing too unexpected, but maybe so to the inexperienced eye. It was grief. The grief for Felicia, who was showing beginning signs of decline; and renewed for Glenda, all those years before, stirred by this second impending loss. Glenda was 25 when she died. Felicia had made it to 58 by then. We had had a brother who died at the age of 4 to leukemia, 4 years before I was born. I didn't want to be the only one left. I was sick of being surrounded by loss. As my sister's decline began, so did the decline of my friendship. The friendship's death was rapid, and decisive. My friend basically began to think I was doing things I really wasn't--I did a bit of drowning of my sorrows in a few well-placed beers, she left and never looked back. It was hard, coming while my sister was beginning to die. It was bad, being at the same school where once we couldn't wait to run into each other, where our kids stood confused as to why there were no more playdates. One of her sons was developmentally disabled. I always loved being around him, around both her boys. They, especially he, typified the innocence of a life without presuppositions. She did say, after about the first week's silence, in an email that she could "no longer be in a relationship with me", and simply fell dead silent permanently. Never a why, never a chance at discussion. I was determined it could be resolved, since it seemed to have no tangible reason. The more I tried to initiate a discussion, the more entrenched she became. And yet, she walked around looking as devastated as me, and stood near me as much as she could to wait for her kids, when she could have stayed on the other end, well away. The sad look on her face was so painful to see, and so I tried to ask her once more to talk. She became more entrenched. My sister died--it'll now be 2 years this month. I finally gave up. In the context of losing my sister, ironically I did meet another friend. I love this friend as much as I loved this former friend. I'm fortunate in that. I had vowed never to let another friendship become close again, not that I ever thought one would. But just in case, I needed to not let that happen. I'll always miss my other friend as well, though. I try to be so much more careful in this friendship. I don't want to do whatever happened to abruptly end the other one. I looked inward for the blame for so long. My flaws, my weaknesses. Me, period. Thank you for hearing my story.

The End

Liz's response:

Kim thank you for sharing this amazing chunk of your heart- your story is so profound and frankly so sad-What a serious amount of loss in one persons life, I am deeply sorry you have had to endure such pain- On the other hand I have to say I didnt expect such a nice twist at the end. My heart smiled when I read you'd found another friend, someone with whom you truly enjoy sharing and caring for life with. I cant quite tell from your story (which I usually can) the area in which your friendship with your former friend went bad- Sounds like she tried to make the closure she might need to move forward, by at least addressing it with you- Although she didnt give a reason, or explanation she acknowledged the ending, which is more than most- Sounds to me as though you really have learned how to get back up in life, and really Kim that is the bottom line. To be able to wake up every morning with reason, and conviction in who you are and what life is. In your case I imagine you have a better handle on just how fragile life really is- Great things for you, Liz

SEPTEMBER STORY OF THE MONTH

Laura--- from New Hampshire

I met "Elizabeth" in a group for stay home mothers. We had children with similar ages, husbands with the same hobbies, and so we just sort of fit right as friends. We made playdates, had family dinners, watched each others children during appointments, and became quite close as a result. I was pregnant with my 3rd child and I had lots of appointments to go to in the last trimester. I live far away from my family, so I would ask Elizabeth to watch my two other children during these visits. She always did so willingly and I was so happy for her support. She was a great friend. She was fun, and a great hostess, had a darling home, a warm and loving family, and she was so reliable and trustworthy. I always felt lucky for her friendship. She liked me because I was funny and honest. She liked to talk and visit with me for hours on end while our children played. She often told me that I was a trooper through this not-so-easy pregnancy of mine. She mentioned her pregnancies were hard and as a result she was not someone people enjoy being around. I had a hard time imagining her like that. And, on that note her and her husband were currently trying to get pregnant, but she was very private about this matter. I'm guessing she felt it was an awkward topic for us since I was already pregnant so she rarely mentioned it to me. I just knew they were trying and that if she were to conceive she would tell me her news. Meanwhile, she kept on being a great friend to me. She had an elaborate baby shower for me and it was fantastic. I had the baby a few weeks after my shower. That is when my post-partum kicked in and I was awful. I was depressed, and hermit-like, and jealous. It was not pretty. I made a few comments to Elizabeth in regards to how lucky she was to have her mom live close by to help her, or that she sure was chummy with this other lady lately and why had she not been calling me lately? A week later, after not hearing from her, I called her to apologize for my horrible hormonal behavior. I had my doctor prescribe something for my post-partum and I waited for it to take effect. Meanwhile, I waited for her to have a small break from "crazy me" and hopefully she'd want to come around me again. The sad thing is, it didn't happen. I did get better. I felt better in a few weeks from that point. I would call and leave cheery messages for her to give me a call. I apologized numerous times when I caught her on the phone or in person. She'd say she was just busy so she hadn't had time to return my calls. She would assure me she wasn't upset with me. Happily, I'd wait for her call or attempt to get together. It didn't happen. I waited and waited and waited. Each time I actually caught her, she'd still claim she was not angry or upset with me. I told her that if that was true, then how come I'm the only one attempting to keep this friendship going. She told me she was still very busy and was retreating from everyone lately. She had too much stress and pressure in her life so she needed to pull back from some things. She quit our mother's group and a few other commitments she had, so this seemed to be the truth she was telling me. But little by little I noticed that a silent breakup was taking place. She no longer accepted any invitations for playdates for our kids, she didn't want to do carpool to or from school with me, and she never returned my phone calls. Whenever we were in the same place at the same time she would desperately avoid having a conversation with me. I felt so lost. And worse yet, I was still sort of in denial. I kept thinking there must be something I could still do to change her mind and rebuild this friendship. One day I had this sort of realization that she didn't ever NEED my friendship like I NEEDED hers and therefore she didn't have nearly as much to lose as I did in this relationship. So, I called to tell her how badly I felt that I leaned on her so heavily for help and that it must have been stressful for her. She agreed that our friendship was definitely "uneven" and that it had a lot to do with why she was needing a break from me. I still had some questions about her exact reasons but I decided it was finally time to back off. If she wanted to come back, she'd come to me. People would ask me where Elizabeth was because we were always seen together. I'd tell that them she stopped being my friend when I was postpartum and depressed. I said that she just sort of quietly bowed out of my life. Most people thought that was awful that Elizabeth would leave me hanging when I needed her most. They'd remind me that friendship is not always about the good times, but the bad as well. This being true, most people ended up feeling bad for me that Elizabeth had dumped me in my time of need.
At first when we crossed paths we would do a half smile or tiny wave to each other. Eventually over the school year we got to the point where she wouldn't even look in my direction. I had wondered how we had gone from a "break" to now complete avoidance. The school year was ending and I had to get some answers I'd been waiting so long to get. I went to her house one morning. She let me in to talk, but was very cool with me. I started out by saying that I realize that she's done with our friendship but I needed some closure and could she please give me some answers to some things that were nagging at me. So, I asked her why after all my apologies was she still "angry" with me and what part about what I had done was so irreparable. She said that although she had forgiven me, she was so deeply hurt that I felt jealous of her other friendships because she never kept me from all my other friends. She said she was always so supportive of me and good to me that over time it just really upset her that I would treat her or our friendship that way. On top of that, she was being given reports back from other mothers that we both knew, that I was blaming the friendship ending only on her so that she looked like the "bad guy" and I was made out to be the victim. I listed to her, quite horrified by my own behavior. I was a crappy friend. I had really been a jerk. I offered a last apology for the hurt that I had caused her. I had never understood her side of things until that day. I admitted that I had screwed things up and it was finally over. I had my closure...though it wasn't the way I had wanted things to end...I can respect the ending nonetheless. In lieu of the phrase, "When you lose, don't lose the lesson", I am now more careful in my friendships to keep things even. Also, if and when a friendship ends in my life, I will not assign any blame in regards to it when talking to other girlfriends. And, like your book so gracefully suggests to us women, I still cherish the time I had her as a friend. I was recently happy to learn though another friend that she is finally pregnant with her 3rd baby, which I know was long anticipated and I'm so happy for her. I wish her and her family the best.

The End

Liz's response:

Well, I felt compelled to choose Laura’s story for the story of the month, because truthfully very few stories come this far, in fact less than very few. This story for me, and (yes I do read quite a few) got me several times, meaning as I read I felt myself having strong feelings or ideas about what was going on. To my surprise it took an unexpected turn, and actually came full circle. The ending was ultimately acknowledged, addressed and closed for both women.

My hat goes way off to Laura, for facing this with her friend, for basically demanding answers so that she could find the closure she needed to move on. And for being so open to looking at the truth within herself; for staying open and willing to grow and change. Often it’s hard for us, particularly when we’ve been hurt, to see places in ourselves that could use some tuning and tweaking. What’s it all for if we cant learn from it? Clearly it takes a good amount of strength and confidence. ----- Laura thank you for sharing your heart and story.

Cheers, Liz

July Story Of The Month

Friends and ex’s---------

First, I just have to thank you for writing your book What Did I Do Wrong. I discovered it in Barnes & Noble one day, when I was actually looking for help with a friendship. I’m a huge ‘need an answer/closure/explanation’ person and reading your book helped me with more than just that one friendship I was originally trying to make sense of. And, there’s always a comfort in knowing a person isn’t alone when it comes to losing people – your book and the recapped stories in it helped me to see that friendships come and go, for various reasons, in everyone’s lives. It also made me really stop and think about the type of friend I want to be to others and helped me to examine my past and present friendships as well as how I’ve handled things regarding them.

The friendship I was actually looking for assistance with when I came across your book has been a fairly troubling one for me. Lexie and I have been on-and-off friends for over four years now. A little over a year and a half of those four years we didn’t talk at all – all due to a dating situation which occurred. She started dating an ex of mine, right after we had broken up. Actually, they were talking before we separated and were having what I’d call an emotional affair. I was extremely hurt by this because I felt as though it broke a huge trust in our friendship. I talked to Lexie about this person and poured my heart out, only to find them together less than a week after we broke things off. To add to it all, they thought I was being immature for not wanting to speak with either of them. A year and a half past and I contacted Lexie again. I had heard that she and Tom had broke up and I decided I just wanted to say hello. We met for dinner – she asked – and she apologized for all that happened, how she acted, and said that the worst part of it all was that she knew she had hurt me, and that she also knew that I would never have done that to her. I accepted the apology, thinking that everyone makes mistakes, and gradually worked on a friendship with her again. I was cautious in what I would talk to her about, still needing to re-establish the trust that had been broken. We had become good friends again and I listened while she went through two tough break-ups during that time. I had started seeing someone and for the first time in a while, had started smiling again. Unfortunately, after a few months I realized this new romance just wasn’t a good fit for me. We were too opposite and there were just some core things that weren’t going to change in either of us, so I broke things off. Three days later Lexie asked if it would be ok if she were to ask Ken out. Honestly, I wasn’t surprised at all. I felt it was only a matter of time before she’d ask me if it would be ok – not that asking me if it’s ok really makes it ok. I gave her my ‘blessing’ and even went so far as to write her a letter saying so, and that they should just go for it. It would have been very selfish of me to say ‘no, don’t do it’. Lexie is a very insecure person when it comes to trust in a relationship and Ken will be able to give her that security she needs. Lexie had also said that my friendship was more important and that if I didn’t want her to pursue this, she wouldn’t. To me, just the mere thought was already a huge breech in our friendship; especially since this wasn’t the first time this happened with us. In wishing her well to pursue this, I knew it would be the end of our friendship and that I would just pull away and fade off. She obviously hasn’t noticed because I haven’t heard from her. I’m not mad at her for what happened; I think I’m kind of disappointed. But, I’ve also come to the conclusion that I want and need to have friends that I know I can trust 100%, friends who have similar values and ways of thinking when it comes to friendship. Lexie isn’t going to change and I have to either accept that or move on. I’m tired of validating her point of view and what she thinks is fine as long as it’s working in her favor. She’s not a bad person, she’s just not the kind of person I want to have in my life; which is a shame because some aspects of our friendship I truly will miss. I’m far from perfect, but I strongly support two theories: treat others as you would want to be treated and learn from the past. I think this is one friendship that I’m safe to let go of. What do you think? Isn’t there/shouldn’t there be some sort of moral code between friends when it comes to dating ex’s, and just with friendship as a whole?

Liz’s recap-

Well I was anxious to get this story up and on here, because I have recently received so many stories involving ex’s. Funny thing is, while researching to write the book, I was focused on friendships that had ended, with reasons unknown. I suppose when your friend stops being your friend after you decide to date or sleep with her ex, there is no real mystery there. If someone said why don’t you see Mary any more, the answer could be, she decided to date my old boyfriend, and a general knowing nod might happen and that’s it- There is no question there is no guessing. However, this obviously happens more than even I imagined. I have received hundreds of e mails from women describing the hurt and betrayal they feel when their friend decides to choose a relationship with their ex, over them. The woman above who so candidly shares her heart here, asks, shouldn’t there be a moral code between friends----my mind went to straight to----there is Isn’t there? I mean its not written or spoken but most women seem to agree when this line is crossed and this choice is made, few friendships end up lasting in the same connected trust filled way- The code was broken here, and the consequence is that the woman above no longer wants to be friends with her friend. I think she did exactly what makes sense in her story, in fact I think she was more forgiving than most, and in the end she stayed true to herself and what works for her life.

I would love to hear thoughts in general about this experience please feel free to e mail me. And many many thanks to those of you share the stories of your lives which shed and give such light to the rest of us.

May's story comes from JANE IN LOUISIANA unedited-

i cannot thank you enough for writing this book. the "friendship of my life" ended a year ago exactly. shauna and i met at a playgroup eight years ago, when our daughters were 1 1/2 and 2 1/2 years old. though i am from the deep south and she is from boston, we were instant friends - and our daughters became immediate best friends as well. flash forward seven years to last spring.

by this time, our families had become completely enmeshed. i'd flown to boston with her three hours after she'd called to tell me her mother was dying. she'd been beside my hospital bed the night i got in a bad car crash. our daughters were inseparable and even looked like sisters. we'd have passover at her house and easter at mine. our families went to the beach together. one christmas she gave me a photo of the two of us together in a "best friend" frame. i'll never forget the hours we spent, the four of us parents laughing and playing boggle around the table after a long dinner while the children jumped on the trampoline. shauna was as close to me as my own sister. there was nothing we wouldn't tell each other.

the year before the breakup had been an intense one for me. my husband and i decided to adopt a chinese toddler, so i was quite involved with the paperwork, then the travel to china, then the bonding with my new baby. through all of this, i felt that my relationship with sandra was secure, even though we did not communicate daily as we once had. yet we still saw each other, just the two of us at times (the night i called her to say, "get dressed right now! i just won tickets on the radio to see norah jones in concert!") and our whole families together at other times. in fact, we had all been together the night we got the call to go to china to get marisa. all relationships have a natural ebb and flow, and in spite of some odd comments from shauna, i felt that we were as good as ever. now i know that wasn't true.

i may never know why my friendship with shauna fell apart, in spite of the many emails we exchanged a year ago when she was trying to quietly ease out of the relationship. unlike many of the women in your book, i was not willing to let this woman (this family!) i loved go without a fight. after sending a tentative email to ask if something was wrong and receiving a vague, unsatisfying reply, i sent apologies, questions, angry diatribes. i offered to go to therapy to figure out how to be a better friend to her. i dropped an orchid off on her doorstep when she wasn't home. when none of my actions received the sort of response i wanted, in a blind rage one afternoon, i sent all of our "breakup" correspondance to our close circle of female email friends. i wanted justice! i wanted a jury of my peers to find out the truth and tell shauna she was wrong, to tell her she was wrong to end our friendship without trying to work things out. of course, they all claimed they were not going to read the emails but (like the good friends they are) did not castigate me for having committed such a dishonorable act.

the weeks passed and i continued to try to resurrect the friendship or to at least reach some closure. what i did not realize until i read your book is that shauna had decided, possibly long before, that the relationship was done. if fact, "done" is a word she used in one of her emails to me. when i persisted, she eventually weaseled out by saying that she did not know what would happen but that she needed time away from me to figure it out. she promised not to keep our girls (best friends of seven years) apart, but she has. for the first six months after she dumped me, i continued to keep the girls in contact, and shauna did allow them to see each other several times. for the most part, i tried to be cordial but distant. but apparently, shauna is now not comfortable even being my acquaintance. she is now ignoring all emails and phone messages from me (which have been few and far between) attempting to get the girls together.

throughout the past year, my feelings for shauna have swung wildly from love to hate to both at once. and now my feelings for her have cooled to a sort of sad fondness. i will always think of her as a wonderful and special person. i'll be glad for what we shared. but i may never allow myself to fall as deeply in friendship with anyone ever again. liz, thank you for your book. knowing that other women have had similar experiences has helped me in my journey. this past year, i have tried to talk to my women friends and acquaintances about what happened to me and i've always met with near silence. thanks for breaking that silence. you are doing us all a great service.

wishing you all the best,
jane in louisiana

i was in book star on verdango boulevard after dinner last night and found myself picking up your book. at first i was attracted to the pop art kitschy cover and then, upon realizing what it was about, peeked tentatively inside, reluctant to get involved (fearing a self-help lecture about to come on) only to find myself sitting there for almost an hour until i was close to being done. and close to tears.

after my husband forced me to "buy the damn thing!" and get into the car i realized the reason i had been so instantaneously absorbed and so profoundly affected was because the stories you've detailed and catalogued so closely echo my own. It was with a deep resonant sadness that i realized i had left behind a trail of old "best" friends, a stomach sinking legacy of "unendings" and that i realized all new friendships i enter into as a grown woman have a subconscious gnawing anticipation of the sure enough end in sight.

as i tried to work it through out loud in the drive back home to our children my I-don't-quite-understand husband listened patiently as i recalled the last fifteen years since i'd moved to los angeles and the steady trail of long gone women friends that had fallen behind me: Mara, Carol, Meg, Myra, Maureen, Susie, Donna, Nanette, Angel, Alex, Bea, Helen...

Either I had been dumped or, to my horror and shame, they had been. I tried to soften the sound of my words by attempting to justify these failings (for what else could they be) with the reasons behind the falling-outs, the breaking-ups but realized quickly that only a few of my experiences had there been any momentous event, any recognizable ending. the others had simply died a quiet death.

i suddenly felt like a serial killer. my husband, hearing this comment, thinking with probable great relief that i had been joking all along and wasn't going to spoil datenight with talk about lost girlfriends, piped up " and let's mourn jenny''s death in advance in order to save time later..." jenny, my new "best friend". inseparable for the last three years. i started to wonder with a sense of hopeless dread whether this was just something i do, or something that just happens to me. was jenny just my confidant, my sister, my best friend because it is convenient at this moment for the both of us? time would tell. we were sending our children to different schools next year (they had, all five, moved up the ranks of pre-school together). would this be the catalyst for a slow petering out of attentions or a sudden disappearance?

I can't help thinking about my mother in australia, surrounded by hery this syndrome? is it a sign of the times? our generation's busy-ness? our lack of attention? our fast-food society? our frequent (comparative to our normal growing rate?

it seems like an epidemic and yet, for something that seems so serious, current friends for fear that it will cause discomfort, a shying away from you.

i realize, after reading your book, that it has been happening to me all my life. as far back as i can recall. school, when a group of friends forced me, out of some shame at being seen alone after they dumped me, into eating my lunches and spending my breaks locked in a toilet stall - to my teenage years where i went, like a serial dater, from one great friend to the next - carrying through with a pattern that has followed me into adulthood. She lives nearby, she's my best friend...she works with me, she's my best friend...her husband's on my husband's basketball team, she's my best friend... And so on and so forth.

i make friends easily, i'm always surrounded by people, parties, dinners, a gaggle of children from various families, weekends away with friends. do friend who likes me for who i am after the gilt of a new fresh association finally wears off?

i'm left wondering sadly, if i'm to play this out until the end? at what point will i be too old and too tired to continue trying? will i die an old woman with no close girlfriends? it seems too awful and too possible.

The End

I want to thank Jill for her candid and poignant self-reflection. I felt when I read this, for a moment, much like I did several years ago when this whole journey began. And then I wrote to tell Jill, that as much as I know... many of us know those feelings she talks about... the unsteady fearful reality of looking into the future at ourselves and our friendships. I also know, there exists in each of us, a hope, or really a knowledge, that true friendship can be complete, where faults are embraced right along with
whatever the greatness that makes us who we are. We simply have to trust that we deserve it, and all of us deserve it. Thank you Jill for the small reminder, to pay attention to that slice of hope and knowledge that lives in all of us.

________________________________________________________________________

My very close friend of about 10 years dumped me this fall. She didn't return phone calls, seemed distant, out of reach and disinterested in what was happening in my life. I of course took all this snubbing very personally and attributed this change in behavior to my own short comings. I wasn't as fun to be with, too serious, focused on my kids and my life. I was genuinely sad about the loss of this friendship, but had abandoned efforts to reconnect since she seemed so unresponsive.

Flash forward to last week where she called me up and asked me to lunch. Of course I said yes, but was utterly surprised when she started lunch in tears saying how sorry she was for being distant, but she had just asked her husband for a divorce.

I was stunned and completely unprepared for her news. I realized however through her heartfelt words, that true friends are not mercurial and that we never know what is going on in someone's life. That we should think it is always us that is the issue and that we are the first to point fingers inward, is human nature, but so often not what is really going on. My friend's shattered marriage forced her to pull away from all of her close friends and now she needs us more than ever and we are there for her.

The End

I chose Natalie's story this month because I think it's so - on the money. Many of us can relate to the experience of pointing the blame straight at ourselves without a second thought, when often it has nothing to do with us. Judging ourselves quickly and harshly seems to come easily to many of us…although conversely we seem to pay the most attention to curbing our judgment of others, I welcome the reminder to ease up on ourselves.

And of course, I'm always inspired when I read or hear a story of two great friends making their way back into each other's lives. Thank you and cheers to Natalie.